My Part in the Game

It began innocently enough as a mystery whodunnit dinner game. A jovial group of us came to eat and digest clues to figure out a grand mystery. The leaders of the game were a finely dressed sharp eyed older woman in a white knee length skirt and her side kick, a middle aged tall thin quiet man with a receding hairline. At first it was fun, huddling in groups, guessing at clues, pondering on who we could trust.

But then it took a sinister turn.  The old woman became snide and verbally abusive.  Eventually I learned she was hitting and abusing some of the younger people way out in the massive back yard when others weren't around.  We began to complain and that's when she told us we couldn't leave unless we did what she said, and there was no way out.  It was also at that time that a lot of the people who had come in with me were now gone.  No they were not milling in the back yard or in another room, they just weren't there anymore and the old woman with a sly smile told me that it was none of my business where they were.  

Weeks past and things only devolved from there.  She became more abusive.   Her favorite weapon was a short whip or flail that she would lash at your face if she didn't like how fast you were moving or if you looked at her for too long.  The three of us that were left learned to keep our heads down.  I noticed I rarely saw the quiet mousy nervous 18 year old girl, she was usually out in the backyard, and eventually I didn't see her at all.  Then it was just me and that tall pudgy middle aged Asian looking man with the kind smile.  Until he was gone too.

So many weeks had passed, or was it months now?  I realized I was some kind of chosen one in their eyes.  They had me wearing a weird short black shiny cloak that in my opinion has was horribly tacky and cheap but they seemed to think it had special meaning.  Needless to say, I kept my real opinions to myself and tried to go along with their bs.  Over time, they were behaving less violently and for the most part, we lived quietly.  But I was still looking for opportunities to escape.  

One day when the man was not around, I tried to seduce the old woman.  It was a risk but I could not think of a better strategy.  She was obviously the leader and maybe I could get her to trust me more or let down her guard or maybe I could sew strife between her and her side kick.  I noticed as I got close to her, she was much older looking than I had first thought, deep lines etched into her face, covered over incompletely with skin tone makeup, how had I not noticed that before?  She was just really really OLD!  But it didn't matter for my strategy, I figured it would either work or she would get angry and hit me but I had already been hit so many times, another round was worth the risk.  Strangely she just looked at my impassively when I tried though, with a blank stony look on her face devoid of personality.  The seduction was not working at all and I felt like a fool for trying, but neither did she seem displeased.  

Instead she calmly explained to me that I was not designed to be with her but instead I was to be for the middle aged man. Because she would not be around much longer, she had blood cancer and would be gone soon.  I calmly accepted the information, at this point, I was numb to any trauma and I also had no love of the woman, if she died, that just meant a change in power dynamics, but other than that, I had no feelings other than being glad they were not angry with me. 

Not long after that, the man left for the back yard with a shovel and pick and I knew that the old woman was dead and he meant to bury her.  Some hours later, he came back in heading directly towards me with the shovel and a very intense expression.  I realized he was angry, the first time I had actually sensed strong emotion from him.  He took the shovel and started hitting me with it and I understood he was angry about the death of the woman and taking it out on me.  This was the first time either of them had ever hit me with something that dangerous as full swings with a shovel.  Strangely though, each time the shovel came down on me, it seemed to slow down and not hit me hard and not actually hurt.  At first I just stared in confusion but then I realized my part in the game meant I should put on a show so I held my head and tried to look agonized, it seemed important that I put on the best and most convincing show that I could until finally it was over.    

After that, the house was quiet with just the two of us, he had never been one to talk much and I had learned months ago to keep my own mouth shut for anything other than essential communication.  I realized I was quite lonely and began to long for communication with my friends and social media.  Surely there would be many good conversations and stories waiting for me once I got back to the rest of the world. I looked around the house, everything was white, the furniture, the carpet, the entire place was bland and empty and devoid of character and totally totally white, how I had I not noticed that before?  This was my old home that I had grown up in, except that everything was white.  It felt surreal.  And very very lonely.

The next thing I knew, I was making phone calls to old friends on an old fashioned land line telephone in the kitchen of the house.  I was telling them yes, I'd be getting married soon.  What was he like?  My voice was calm and completely jovial as I spoke to them.  The man was in the kitchen working but also listening to my every word, but I felt confident, I knew my acting skills were perfect.  I told my friends he was like 'nice guy meets Jesus' but in my mind I added 'freak' at the end as in 'nice guy meets Jesus Freak.'  My friends were happy for me, they assumed I was happy and that made them happy.  I could tell that the man was also pleased.  For some reason beyond my ability to understand, he believed my act, he thought I meant what I said to my friends, he thought their mission had succeeded.  But inside I knew I was just waiting for my chance to escape. 

And then I woke up.   

   

We Shouldn't but I Can't Stop

He came over unexpected that night out of the blue.  Why after all this time?  It had been so long, what did he want?  He acted like it was just a casual visit but we both knew there was nothing casual about it.  We hadn't even spoken in months since our work no longer brought us together.  Yibin, even his name churned up warm feelings inside me.  We had worked together on that project, sexual tension thick in the air and the two of us continually dancing around it, with our little suggestive jokes and accidental touches, but neither of us quite acting on it.  Once our assignments ended, we had walked away from each other as if there was nothing between us.  I knew I had made the right decision but yet I still could not help but miss him, even after all this time, a part of me still lingered on his memory.  

And then he came over unexpected out of the blue.  We exchanged banal pleasantries and for lack of a better idea, I started preparing him a meal.  The kitchen was a mess, dishes stacked up, if I had known in advance, I would have cleaned but too late now.  I found space on the counter to lay down a cutting board and started chopping vegetables and meat to add them to a fry pan, quick and easy.  Meanwhile, he quietly stood in the kitchen behind me, I could feel his heavy gaze on my back as I fidgeted nervously.  The food was almost ready.  I pulled out a clean plate and dug through scattered silverware in the drawer for a big serving spoon.

And then in a heart beat I felt him push up against me from behind and then stand still, his front touching against my back and butt.  He was tall, so tall that I could feel his long hard erection pressing against the small of my back.  My breath hitched but I tried to play it cool, still fiddling with the food, I tried ridiculously to pretend nothing unusual was happening, but I failed at even that.  Forgetting where I put the plate, where I put the spoon, he was reaching over my shoulder to help me sort the food.  I could sense a pleased smirk within his gentle few words helping me organize, he well knew I was spacing out because of him and it pleased him.  His assistance, surely by no accident, caused him also to press in even harder and in response, I took an almost imperceptible step back further into his body.  I wanted so badly to just wiggle myself back into him, I wanted it so badly but I knew I shouldn't.  I knew it was wrong but I WANTED him.

The food was now plated and in no danger of burning, which should mean that we would move over to the table to eat, but I couldn't move, I couldn't leave that warm pressure of him touching me.  I was shutting down now, my head was spiraling, the conflict between what I knew I should do and what I wanted was just too much.  So I just stood there not moving, not talking, my arms loose at my sides, I was frozen in place.  I knew it was starting to get really weird now, just standing there with no excuses and no words, but the time stretched on and all I knew was I did not want to lose this feeling, not even for a second.

And then I woke.  

The Election

I entered the large teared judicial room and realized that no seats were available.  I was told I would need to pay for a seat, the equivalent of just over $8.00 dollars.  I wryly thought about the irony of judicial systems everywhere and pulled out some money.  The paper money consisted of an ornately patterned roll of special paper that had many perforations in rows.  I would pull off little rectangless of the money to pay and one full strip of perforations off the side was called one 'wall.'

I was directed to one man of many black suited men sitting in a chair near the aisle.  Apparently he had the job of taking up the chair until someone paid him to leave.  I pulled off some money sections for him and proceeded towards the chair.

Later I found myself in a large room with long tables and seated individuals.  We were doing the counts for an election.  In front of me, a small man was seated, between us was a long table with some papers on it, and I stood in front of the table with one other person, a tall man.  People would come to us one by one and cast their vote.  Around us, other individuals were seated at other places amongst the tables doing the same thing but presumedly for other candidates.  The casting was done with some kind of ritual that involved rapping a wooden gavel on the table.  Voters would come to us one by one and me and the man seated across the table from me would do the quick ritual for each of them to cast the vote.  At one point, I was surprised that the gavel flipped off the table onto the floor and I had to pick it up and give it back to the seated man. 

Eventually there was a lull and I discussed with the tall man standing with me the counts and if we were done.  I was not sure of the actual counts, apparently that was not part of my job, and was not sure if we were done.  But he checked his paperwork and said it was 888, not sure if that was the expected or the actual count but had the impression the two numbers were expected to be very close to each other.  We briefly discussed past election gigs and counts we had done.  Now that the expected number for this one had been reached and no further voters were coming to us, we could say our work was done, even though around us, others were still seated.

At that point, a female official came up to us and told me that she had to investigate any 'irregularities.'  I said with surprise, "You mean the gavel falling on the floor?" and she said yes. but assured me that it was a minor thing and probably not a big deal, just that her job involved involved investigating even the tiniest issues to be on the safe side and insure accuracy.   I felt reassured and then the dream ended.  

What would it mean to get married?

Another dream, I walk with him on the deck of the boat.  He bids me sit on a wooden bench and he sits beside me, dark hair, sparkling eyes, and a pure white formal uniform with many buttons which reminds me vaguely of a military uniform.  As we sit, I suddenly suspect what he wants and I become afraid.  I realize he wants to ask me to marry him, a marriage of promise made with red blood that will completely bind us for the entirety of my life.  Divorce would not be an option.  I feel he is a good man and I don't want to disappoint him.  I feel that I SHOULD be ready to marry him, that he deserves it and I owe it to him.  But the more I think about it, the more afraid I become.  I don't want to say no, but I feel that I really only just met him and that I barely know him.  It's too soon, it's too soon!  The more I think about it, the more I don't want to do it.  At least not yet.

Standing in front of us as we sit, an observer looks down at the two of us and tells me that if in my mind I do not want it, then it can't happen no matter what I say out loud.  Therefore it's already over, I have already said no even though I had not exactly meant to do so.  We will not get married, at least not now.  I feel saddened but even more so, I feel relieved.  I think about what a wonderful boyfriend I have and how much I like him.  I hang on his arm.  That's good enough for now.  End of dream.

The White Trees and Superman Story

A strange dream, not entirely realistic but interesting to me because it had a story line:

Me and some friends road on top of a slow moving training that snaked peacefully through a beautiful parklike country side of low grass and tall willowy trees with white trunks.  At some point, I and a few others jumped off and lost track of the train.  We were walking along looking for the train when suddenly something grabbed us from behind and plucked us into the air.  Seconds later, we were dangling 3 stories high in the air near one of the trees, completely bewildered and confused.

We began to debate what had happened.  My friends had some ideas about maybe it was UFOs.  My argument was that it had to be that one of the trees that had grabbed us, but the others thought this was ridiculous.

"But how then are we still dangling now without falling unless the tree is grabbing us?" I asked.  They had no answer.

Eventually we were put down and scurried on our way, still not in agreement about what had happened but in a hurry to get away from whatever it was.  After a while of continued wandering, I began to inspect the trees and noticed many of them had a double trunk on the bottom, almost as if they had legs.  The more I looked at them, the more lifelike they seemed.  Then I spied a tree that looked like a humanoid, with two long trunk legs, two arm like large branched and an upright branch at the top where the head would have been.  It's bark was white and peeling and it had few leaves or side branches, just a few twigs.  It stood in a stooped crouched position and when it realized I was staring, it loped away from sight before I could point it out to the others.  Now I felt confident the trees were alive and animate but since they had not really hurt us previously, although I was wary of them, I did not feel great fear.  We continued on and found our way back home to civilization which is where the next part of the story begins.

In this part, I was working together with a super hero type person to defeat an evil villain.  I have no name for the super hero so I will for the sake of the story call him Superman.  The villain had been thus far kicking our butt.  Superman was not strong enough.  I and a few others who knew Superman had been working with him to defeat the villain using various strategies but none had worked and we were in dire straights.  Eventually, the villain had found my house when I wasn't home and had destroyed the inside, breaking apart much of my furniture.  We then quickly moved to rented place and continued on.

Soon after, I went off to work on the villain project and when I came home, the new place also was also broken up inside.  Now I was really scared.  How did the villain find my hideout so quickly when I had gone through such pains to keep it hidden?  If he could do that, there was no place for us to hide.  We knew the villain would be back any minute and so Superman and I and a few cohorts prepared a last stand against him.

When he came, he quickly defeated Superman and as Superman lay unconscious, we feared for our lives and all humanity.  He could easily kills us at any second, but then I began the last ditch backup plan.  As the villain stood outside the house in a location I had planned in advance, hidden machines around him zapped him from all directions and split him into 8 different individuals.

At this time, I recalled back to the creation of the villain.  It was time for the back story.  It had all started with the animate trees back in the park.  Scientists had studied them and were able to extract the spark of life from one of the trees.  The spark was then isolated and the end result was a terrible powerful creature that had become the villain.  Now I had no way of destroying the villain's spark of life but I could split him into parts, although with little idea of the outcome other than that his power would also be split into parts.

After the zapping, I watched as 8 young boys with dark hair now stood where the villain once had been.  They were all dressed similarly in dark clothes and looked to be about 8 or 10 years old.  Their personalities seemed much changed from the villain and 6 of them immediately moved away in different directions and soon were out of sight.  Two stayed for a short while, one slightly taller and appearing older than the other and the taller one, did all the talking.  Curious but nervous, I approached and spoke with him.  I asked him how he was and what his plans were.  I knew I was taking a great risk because even at only 1/8 of his original power, he could easily destroy me. Superman also still lay unconscious and vulnerable.  The taller boy acted as if I were a stranger and said, "We will need this lantern," and also indicated a need for a few other utilitarian items and so took them without asking.  I did not argue.  He seemed to speak more towards his younger cohort than me.  Then they also left the area and disappeared into the world.  I hoped that they would not cause trouble but if some of them did, once Superman recovered, he would at least be able to handle them one at a time now with their power thus split.

After the commotion, the police had arrived and were inspecting the damage to the inside of my home, trying to figure out what had happened.  During the fight, the house had been further devastated and everything was broken, scattered, and strewn.  Me and my cohorts needed to make an excuse to get inside and recover the body of Superman which was under a guise so that regular people could not see him.  The police let us in hoping to get some clues from us about what had happened but we gave only vague answers that were not useful.  Once in, some of us distracted the police while others of us got Superman's body.  Superman would recover.  It was a partial victory for us but we did not know what kinds of creatures the 8 children would become or what the future would hold.  We could only hope that the future would be brighter.                    

The Horse and the Rider

This dream happened about a month ago so I will back date it to that time.  It occurs to me now that it may related to the dream that came after it, the one about Superman being prone and unconscious, so I want this dream to show in front of that one in it's proper order (hence the backdating).

I am out galavanting around doing this and that, I know not what, when someone reminds that I have been neglecting my horse which I left back there and that I have to go back and take care of it.  Oh yeah, now I remember!  So I rush back to the city where he is in and find him on a piece of grass in a parking lot in a strip mall.  He is standing there placidly but I remember that he (she?) is pregnant and should be due any time.  I need to help him prepare.   He stands relaxed as if nothing is happening but I know the birth is taking place.  He is giving birth but now suddenly I am also giving birth, something opens up inside me, I kind of spiritual vortex and hole and I can feel something rushing out of me.  It happens very suddenly, such a very strange feeling, not like a physical birth at all.

Then I am standing there looking at a giant 2 foot tall 5 foot wide pile of excrement and blood laying on the grass.  It is disgusting and I know it is the side effect of giving birth.  I am embarrassed by it and quickly grab a garbage bag and somehow quickly cover/scoop it into the bag very easily.  Now it is cleaned and I can relax but then I remember the baby!  I turn to the horse but it stands there just the same as if nothing had happened.  Beside it is the calf laying curled and quiet on the grass.  At first, I am sad because I think the calf is still and dead!  But then I look more carefully and realize although it does not move, inside it is a type of hidden movement, something that is hard to see but is stirring and flickering and pawing and will continue to stir more and more and until the calf too will eventually start to move on the outside as well as on the inside.  But for now it's just a shadow of movement and a hidden stirring.  I am relieved by this and realize this is how it is supposed to be.  In the future, the calf will move when it is time. 

Yokubou

I was at some kind of carnival or big event with my brother, but somehow we had gotten separated.  In my arms I carried my big white cat named "Yokubou."  In my mind, he was a cat but he was very big and in some ways rather dog like.  Sometimes I let him down to walk around a bit but then would gather him up again.  If he got out of my sight, I would become nervous and look for him and call him, "Yokubou! Yokubou!"  This happened several times but I thought to myself at least he was well mannered and had not caused any trouble.  Whereas around me I could see dogs running free and tearing up the place, knocking things over and causing disruption, because their owners were not looking out for them properly.

Eventually, I began to look for my brother and eventually found him in one of the rooms.  We walked together for a while and then he met someone he knew.  The other person asked who I was and I told him jokingly that the one I was with was FORCED to play the role of my brother.  I could tell my brother thought this joke was quite funny on many levels.

Later I was by myself again with Yokubou late at night on the street where I saw a man threatening to punch another man in the face for some perceived little slight.  I told the threatening man if he was gong to do that, I was going to call 911, and I fumbled for my phone but became confused on where I had put it.

Then there was a brief break and I was in another street nearby and those 2 men and others were coming out of a bar.  They were all very friendly and at ease now and I greeted them with surprise because their attitude had become so different.

Between us on the street I saw a huge 5 foot wide ornate metal man hole cover.  The manhole cover was somehow attracting metal and other items towards it, as if it had some kind of magnetic power.  We would push items away from the cover and watch as the items moved back toward it again.  We thought this was very interesting and I wondered if it was some kind of secret government project.  We all decided to go down and investigate because it was so interesting.

Under the cover, there were complex surreal stairs and passages and crannies, as if done by a collaboration between Dr. Seuss and Escher.  We went down quite a ways and then the others decided to sit at a table and take a break.  At that time I realized I didn't know where Yokubou was and I became very nervous.  First I ran forward in the passages shouting, "Yokubou!  Yokubou!" I thought maybe he had gotten scared and ran ahead, but I did not find him.  Then I circled back past the guys at the table and then ran backwards shouting, "Yokubou!  Yokubou!!"  I thought maybe he had gotten scared and ran backwards.  I called his name over and over. 

Finally I found him and held him close to my chest with relief.  I returned to the guys and told them since I found him, all was OK.  But then I started worrying about Yokubou and wondered if we should go back for Yokubou's safety.  I was thinking I would let the others decide.  Then I woke up.

Online, I found that "Yokubou" is Japanese for "Desire/Lust."