Somehow, my consciousness had gotten into the body of a person I used to know when I was in high school. His name was Lang, except now my mind was in his body instead of his. I was tall now and I don't know if it was him or that I was not used to a tall man's body, but I was clumsy. I tried to not move around too fast and I kept quiet because although I had tried to explain the situation to others, I figured they probably thought I was crazy or was just trying to fool them. Since he was not even from my culture, I did not know how to act like him either, I couldn't even speak his language. Walking along the path at school with Lang's friends, many of which I also knew when I was myself, I wondered how long this situation would last.
Later at Lang's home, I was having even more trouble. A family has its own pace. Members instinctively know how to fit in and what to do. The pace here was totally different than where I had grown up. An old auntie was making fun of how I didn't apparently know how to use the dry erase board, but the pen had gone dry and was not marking sufficiently, how was that my fault I wondered? I was irritated with her but I didn't say anything. I had become a very quiet and depressed person. I didn't know any of the people around me. Although I had known many of Lang's friends as myself, their relationship with him was different and now I felt cut off from them.
Thinking about it further, I realized sexually, I was still attracted to men even though I was a man now. That would mean as a man, I would be a gay man, an added problem for fitting into society, and I didn't think Lang's family would handle it well either. Looking around, the chairs seemed so small now and the room so closed in, I was a big man now and in comparison, everything seemed so much smaller. I realized I would have to move out soon and live on my own. I wasn't going to be able to fit in here. It felt almost claustrophobic.
Someone came over to visit, he was an older African American, which confused me a bit because Lang's family was Asian. The man teased me that I must have stayed up all night playing around if I was only now just waking up. I said, "Why, what time is it?" and he said, "3:30PM."
I was shocked it could be so late! So much so that I didn't believe him. I roamed around the house looking for clocks and they verified what he said. What did we do last night? I couldn't remember. But I realized I would be late getting products shipped by 5PM for work. Today's buyers would have to wait until tomorrow for their items if I didn't hurry, but how to get to work? Somehow I had gone from issues of a high schooler to work issues of the current time frame. Where was I exactly? I tried to think about work but couldn't even remember my vendors. What if I couldn't source my product, how would I make my living? I was getting more confused and anxious by the second. I worked hard to convince myself it would work out somehow, just as it always does in the end.
Then I woke up in my bed. Still worried about time, I checked my clock but it was still early in the morning. I was so relieved!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
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